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Parenting: Discipline

admin — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 04:10:15 +0000

Discipline is a necessary part of parenting yet it makes most parents feel uncomfortable. Some of those old disciplinary phrases such as ’spare the rod and spoil the child’, ‘teach them a lesson’ or ’set children straight’ are enough to send shivers up the spine of any reasonable-minded parent.

Discipline for the majority of the twentieth century was adult-centred and relied heavily on punishment as a way of keeping children on the right track. Discipline was based on the principle of severity and terms such as punishment, obedience and compliance were commonly used.

Corporal punishment was used in schools and smacking and variations of that theme were the general tools of trade used at home. Rewards and positive reinforcement for good behaviour were usually kept for the behaving children rather than used as a mechanism to encourage better behaviour in more difficult children.

The last few decades have seen some dramatic shifts in discipline that reflect very much the social changes that have occurred. In countries such as the United States, United Kingdom and Australia discipline has swung between a very child-centred approach where it seems parents forgot that they were the adults in the parent-child relationship through to the use of parent-focused techniques that place control firmly in the hands of parents. The use of praise and a reliance on reward systems to promote appropriate behaviour are the hallmarks of these child-centred approaches.

Despite the variety of approaches available parents commonly struggle to get discipline right. Recent Australian research shows that 58 per cent of parents struggle to find the appropriate approach to disciplining their children. Most want to use different discipline techniques than their parents yet exactly which approach to use is a dilemma. As the same cohort rated developing positive attachments and good relationships with their children as their highest priority I suspect many parents are concerned with being friends to their children and tend to avoid those sticky discipline issues. Evidence from other parts of the world suggests that Australians are not the only parents who struggle to find an appropriate approach to discipline.

While the type of discipline parents use should reflect the times in which they live it is also useful to look to children and their needs. While society has changed significantly over the last few decades children and their developmental needs haven’t altered much.

Children develop best in a stable environment where they are valued, loved and listened to. They prefer an orderly environment rather than a chaotic one. And they need someone in that environment who will help them learn to be safe and sociable. This is where discipline comes in.

Children in their first few years of life are hard work for any parent. This age group experience massive physical development that is not matched by the same rate of intellectual maturation. Children around the age of eighteen to thirty months are a little like international airports – massive amounts of activity but with relatively small control towers. They need parents who adopt a patient yet varied approach to discipline so that they learn to become sociable, stay safe and gradually take responsibility for their behaviour without having their spirit squashed.

Children in the 2-3 year age group present the most challenges to parents behaviourally, with the 11-14 year age group coming a close second. It is not surprising that these two ages present most difficulty to parents, as both are significant transitions stages with children in both age groups pushing their parents hard in the pursuit of greater independence.

Evidence suggests that parents of young children need to adopt a real-life approach to discipline that is heavy on teaching rather than the punitive stuff. My own work with families suggests that those parents who base their discipline on the twin principles of consistency and prevention have generally well-behaved kids and positive relationships as well.

The notion of consistency is the biggest challenge modern parents face. Dr. Sal Severe author of the recently published book for parents “How To Behave So Your Children Will Too” says, “Consistency is the most important element in a child’s relationship with their parents.” He is on the money. Children need parental consistency as it gives them a sense of security and control.

Consistency means parents dealing with the little misbehaviours and not letting them grow into bigger behaviours. It means parents following through and allowing children to experience a consequence when they misbehave. It also means that both parents in a dual parent relationship have a similar approach to behaviours. Children learn from a young age to play one parent off against each other when they standards differ.

But consistency is hard these days. Consistency, like routines, is often sacrificed by busy working parents and put in the ‘too hard basket’. When parents are tired, stretched and overworked the last thing they want to do is engage in a battle with children over what are sometimes petty issues. Besides consistency can make a well-meaning parent who values relationships feel downright awful.

But giving in rather than being consistent and holding ground is not a smart long-term strategy. Kids learn quickly how far they can push a parent before they give in. If you give in occasionally they will learn that if they push you hard enough and long enough you will cave in. So consistency is about being strong and holding your ground. That is hard work because Australian research reveals that the average garden-variety child will push parental boundaries about 30per cent of the time and more difficult kids push your boundaries twice that much.

But what can parents do when young children are less than perfect? Smacking is one alternative but not one recommended by this writer. Most current studies indicate that parents generally don’t view smacking as a suitable method of discipline for young children, however many reluctantly admit to reverting to this method on occasions. Smacking is generally ineffective in terms of reducing misbehaviour over the long-term. In some cases, it exacerbates aggressive behaviour in young children as they learn that it is okay to use physical means to resolve problems when you have the power to do so. The notion of ‘it is okay to smack if it is a little smack’ holds no water. It is either a smack or not. There is no middle ground.

So if smacking is out, what’s in? Timeout is a good alternative, but often misused. Timeout is effective if used to either break a young child’s pattern of behaviour or interrupt a deteriorating situation. A small amount of time spent in his or her room has saved many a child’s hide and his parents’ sanity as they both have time to calm down. Those parents who use time-out as a punishment or a deterrent usually end up frustrated when they enter their child’s room only to find him happily playing with toys. Timeout is a poor punishment but effective in helping to restore calm and giving children an opportunity to reflect.

Effective discipline with young children involves a refusal by adults to become involved in the behaviour games that they can play. Children don’t act in a vacuum. They will keep those behaviours that work in terms of getting attention or some other pay-off and drop those behaviours that are ignored. So when a young child receives a long-winded reprimand from his mother as he purposely wriggles while she changes his nappy he is learning a great way to keep her busy. Similarly, a child who continuously stands up and sits down while he is being bathed is working out how he can have some fun at his mother and father’s expense.

In both cases, it would be effective if the parent involved simply made the child safe and didn’t respond verbally to the situation. Children in those cases generally learn that their parents are not engaging in the game they are making so they will try other ways to get some attention. However, it takes some children a while to understand so parents need to persist with their approach. Kids can’t learn if we are giving them different signals – sometimes ignoring, sometimes laughing and sometimes punishing for the same behaviour.

The language a parent uses with young children can make a huge difference. Those parents who use the language of coercion and spend a great deal of time telling children what they want them to do will generally meet with a child who refuses to cooperate. Effective parents avoid over talking at the point of misbehaviour and don’t try to fight children on every battlefront.

Effective discipline of young children involves more than simply applying the right technique or strategy to match a situation. If it was that simple then dog owners would teach us a great deal about gaining cooperation from kids. “Be consistent, praise the good stuff; teach one behaviour at a time and growl at bad behaviour” is the appropriate approach for our four-legged friends. If we want perfectly obedient kids then we know the formula.

Therein lies the dilemma. We need to raise cooperative kids capable of making their own decisions, to be considerate of others and generally survive as adults. This takes time and considerable teaching and patience, not to mention the use of routines, good parental behaviour for children to copy and the opportunity for children to find a place through contribution rather than misbehaviour.

The idea of healthy relationships lies at the heart of effective discipline. Kids will only cooperate in the long term if they feel their parents are fair, care for them and have their best interests at heart. Parenting by remote control or from a distance just won’t cut it with many children.

The high priority parents place on healthy relationships with children is not compromised by the need to teach them appropriate, safe and socially acceptable behaviour. In fact, good discipline and a good parent-child relationship go hand-in-hand. Parents who don’t have a firm backbone generally find that their children show them little respect, which is a recipe for relationship disaster. Discipline maybe misunderstood these days but there is no mistake about its importance for children and parents.

By: Michael Grose

Free Parenting Information

admin — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 23:41:45 +0000

Guidelines for Creating a Happy Family:

1. Set limits without being angry or cruel. – Limits should be in the best interests of the children and should be clearly explained from the beginning.

2. Reduce angry interactions at home. – While everyone gets upset sometimes, your home should primarily be viewed as a place for love and support.

3. Demonstrate the importance of dedication. – Whether you work hard at your job or contribute time to church or community, your devotion to something will serve as a useful example for your children. They will learn to incorporate this type of behavior in their own lives by working hard at school and knowing the value of community service.

4. Enrich your life through others. – Make friends feel welcome in your home, and expose your children to people you like, thus demonstrating the strength you receive from others.

5. Encourage open communication. – Family members should always be allowed to talk about what’s bothering them and to share happy news,

6. Praise your children whenever you have an opportunity. – Noticing your child doing something good and acknowledging it is one of the most loving things you can do.

7. Spend time together. – Establish a family mealtime or playtime when you can all be together to share on many levels.

8. Encourage thoughtfulness. – Demonstrate the importance of helping others. Children raised in this environment become thoughtful and caring adults.

9. Respect your children. – Children who are respected will learn to respect you and others in return.

Mistakes that Create Family Unhappiness:

1. Showing no respect for each other or your children.

2. Allowing ridicule to be an accepted part of your family’s life.

3. Using threats and punishment to control each other and your children.

4. Demanding control; using anger and rage to get your way.

5. Complaining frequently.

6. Forcing or manipulating children to take sides in parental arguments.

7. Emphasizing the importance of making money over spending time together as a family.

8. Discouraging open communication.

9. Failing to praise your children when they do well.

10. Seeking revenge when things go wrong.

Fulfilling the Basic Needs of Children:

1. Children need to be respected. – Show your respect by listening to your child when she is telling a story, talking about her day, or expressing an opinion, even if it differs from yours.

2. Children need to be liked and loved. – Every kid has likable qualities. Find those characteristics and focus on them.

3. Children need to feel approved of an accepted by others. – Approval and acceptance are the foundation of self-esteem and self-concept. When your child misbehaves, you must separate the behavior from the child.

4. Children are naturally self-centered. – The infant is totally absorbed in his own needs; the kindergarten’s do not yet have the maturity to understand the feelings of others; and anyone who has ever seen a teenager react to a new pimple realizes that even at this age an enormous amount of energy is going into worrying about oneself.

5. Children need time to play and to fantasize. – Some adults regard play as a waste of time, but play is actually constructive for a young one. Kids learn through experimentation and in play they learn to cooperate and to play by the rules.

6. Children need to feel special. – They feel more secure and loved when they feel that they bring a unique quality to the family.

7. Sibling rivalry is perfectly normal. – To modify it, you need to be sure each child has private time with you and is made to understand her special role in the family.

8. Children have real fears, worries, and anxieties. – The first fear many kids have is separation anxiety, and this fear may gradually transform itself into fear of the dark, animals, monsters, and other things. Listen to your child and take her fears and worries seriously.

9. Children tend to blame themselves unnecessarily. – Since children are egocentric and assume that they are the center of the world, they may think that when something bad happens it’s their fault. Remember to reassure your youngster, even when something really was his responsibility.

Unconditional parents strive to meet the needs of their children rather than trying to control their children through punishments and rewards. Children whose needs are met are more likely to feel confident in their parent’s love, be agreeable and grow into grounded, capable adults.
Punishment Drives a Wedge in the Parent/Child Relationship

Parents who practice unconditional parenting believe that punishment of any kind leads to a child feeling alienated and unloved. Even time outs, once heralded as the perfect non-violent form of punishment, can lead to a child feeling ostracized and abandoned by her family.

Instead of time-outs, unconditional parents can practice something called a time-in. When a child is having a tantrum or difficulty behaving, it is often a sign that more attention is needed from the parent. Spending time reconnecting with the child through cuddling, hugs, reading or rocking in a rocking chair will often soothe a distraught child and teach compassion and kindness.

By: Jonathan Potkins

Parenting – Emotional Incest

admin — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 11:29:52 +0000

Jacob, a participant in one of my telephone support groups, was exploring the fact that he generally didn’t like to be touched. He was sharing with the group a situation that used to happen with his mother.

“She used to sit me on the couch with her and grab my arms and look intently into my eyes, telling me how much she loved me and how important to her I was. I don’t know exactly how to describe what I felt when she did that.”

“Was it a yucky feeling?” asked Sarah, another participant.

“Yes, that’s exactly the word! Yucky! So yucky! Why did it feel so yucky?”

“Because,” Sarah said, “It was emotional incest. I know all about this yucky feeling. My father did the same thing with me.”

Emotional incest occurs when a parent energetically uses a child to fill an inner emptiness that the parent is not taking responsibility for filling. When a parent abandons himself or herself, that parent might latch on to a child to fill the black hole that occurs from self-abandonment. While it might not be as traumatic as sexual incest, it occurs for the same reasons – a wounded parent using a child addictively to get love and avoid pain.

“Oh no!” said Phillip, another participant in the support group. “I think I might be doing that to my 15 year old daughter. No wonder she’s been locking her bedroom door.”

“What have you been doing Phillip?” I asked.

“Lots of times when I’m feeling badly or when Leitha (his wife) and I are having problems, I go into her room before she goes to sleep and tell her how upset I am. I complain to her about things that are going on in my life. I thought I was being a good dad – you know, spending time with her. But lately she has been asking me not to come into her room. Since I started this group, I’ve been realizing how much I am not taking care of my own feelings. When I feel bad, I often blame Leitha or complain to my daughter.”

“Phillip, how wonderful that you are realizing this! How terrific that you are open to learning about this! What a huge difference it is going to make to your daughter for you to start to take responsibility for your own feelings.”

“You know,” said Phillip, “I’m excited about this. My daughter has been having some problems lately and I think this is why. I really do want to be a loving father, and I can see that I haven’t understood that I have to be loving to myself before I can really love her in the way she needs to be loved. This is going to make a big difference in my relationship with Leitha too.”

“Sarah and Phillip,” said Jacob, “I am so grateful to both of you for putting a name to what I experienced as a child. It is really a relief to know that there was a good reason for the yucky feelings, and for not liking to be touched. I think that I have associated most touch with that yucky feeling of being pulled at to fill up my mother. I feel like knowing this, maybe I can start to give normal hugs to the people who are important to me.”

A parent with a gaping inner hole that comes from inner abandonment cannot just stop the emotional incest. Certainly you can stop the overt actions, but to stop the energetic pull, you need to be doing your own inner work so that you learn to fill your own inner emptiness.

By: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Parenting Teenagers Today

admin — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 01:26:41 +0000

The thought of parenting a teenager today is enough to make some people think that maybe they don’t want children at all. Parenting teens is often filled with turmoil and stress. While very few parents will truthfully say that there was no strife while raising their teenager there are ‘tricks’ to making this time of life a wonderful adventure.

The first thing a parent needs to recognize is that the focus for teen parenting is different than raising a child. The child needs to learn the basics, so to speak, the ‘how to’ of life: reading, social skills and such. They need to learn how to become independent while conforming to a group. Teens are learning their values in life, who they want to be as a person. The only way for them to do this is to question what they know and compare it to all they see and hear in school and the community as they venture out more and more on their own.

Parenting, then, becomes a fine line to walk between letting the teen make decisions that can affect the rest of his life and establishing and maintaining guidelines as they make those choices. This is no easy feat. The parents need to evaluate the guidelines to determine whether they are in place for the teen’s sake or for their own needs. Parenting the child means having total control over all of the child’s aspects of life. Parenting the teenager means letting go of that control. This in itself is scary for many parents.

The key to parenting the teenager is recognizing that while there will be conflict; it does not have to be destructive. There are many things the parent can do that will allow the teen the freedom she needs while still preserving the boundaries and values that will keep her protected.

First and foremost is a combination of unconditional love and communication. The teen needs to always believe that he can come to you no matter what. This only comes by the constant reinforcement that the parents provide as they deal with situations that arise during the pre-teen years. If the teen knows that while there will be consequences for his choices he will not have to worry about so disappointing his parents that he will lose their love or respect. There are many parenting courses, books, videos and magazines that will help the parent establish and keep open the lines of communication with their teen.

The parents of teens need also remember that despite what their teen may say, they one of the greatest influences in their teens life. It is therefore absolutely necessary that the parents spend as much time as possible with their teen. It is easy today, with so many parents and teens’ schedules being filled with jobs and social activities for families to spend little time together. So many teens today have their licenses that the time spent together driving to and from these activities is lost. So be certain to spend quality time with the teenager listening to what she has to say. Don’t react with shock or disapproval at the things they say. Instead ask them how they feel and why. Parents need to help the teenager evaluate what the consequences in the future might be from the choices they make. Parents also need to share their own values and why they feel the way they do during these conversations.

So parent of a teenager do not despair. Rather that dreading this time in your child’s life, remember that your job as her parent is to prepare her for life on her own. There is no greater reward than that.

By: Robin Welch

Parenting Strategies For Step Parents

admin — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 10:37:28 +0000

Being a stepparent can be somewhat difficult, especially because your new spouse’s child may not be happy with the reason that their parents are not together. Inviting a new person into your home as a replacement for a parent that may have passed away can be tragic, so it is important for a step parent to make the transition as easy as possible for the child. Some children are OK with their stepparents, most tend to rebel, at least at first, since this new person is changing the way their life used to be.

Meeting stepchildren for the first time can be pretty stressful, since making a good first impression can determine your life with these children. Instead of trying to put on an act so the children will like you, just be yourself. If you are a good person, you should have no problem getting along with your spouse’s children.

If the children seem standoffish at first, just let them get to use to you being in their presence. Although some kids like to think that things will end up like they use to be, you need to make sure they feel welcome and comfortable around you. If you are also meeting additional family at the same time, just relax. There is no need to try to impress anyone or kiss up, since obviously your other half loves you and that is all that matters.

Raising stepchildren can also be a challenge, especially since most children rebel against their own parents, so stepparents have it even worse. They will tell you all the time that they do not have to listen to you because you are not their real parent, but this can be avoided pretty easily. By using simple parenting strategies, you can make sure that this transition will be easy on everyone involved.

Make sure that the entire family has a talk setting down some ground rules. The biological parent should let the child know that they are responsible for obeying the stepparent, since they are older and deserve the respect. It may be hard on the child at first, but they should eventually get used to the change in their lifestyle.

You also may want to ease into discipline at first, but once you have been the stepparent for a while, they should have the respect to listen to your instructions. You can start with small things like asking the child to do a chore, and then work your way up to harsher punishments such as groundings or sending them to their room.

There are many support groups available that can provide stepparents with parent strategies for stepparents. The support groups offer parenting classes as well as open discussions, making it easier for stepparents to ease into the change. Although being a stepparent can be hard, there are tools to make it much easier.

By following parent strategies for step parents and talking with other new and experienced step parents, one can learn effective ways to make sure that their stepchildren will accept them as if they were their real parent.

By: Matt Garrett